I really wasn’t planning it. I wasn’t searching. I was playing around, stretching out my confidence, being promiscuous. When I asked for my server’s number in front of all my friends, I didn’t expect anything. Maybe a couple texts that were a little off step from each other that led to nothing.

But that didn’t happen, and now I’m happy. I wasn’t searching. I feel weird that it happened so randomly and so quickly, but I’m not going to let that deter me from doing something that is making me extremely happy.

Learned that the Philippine Mouse-deer is the smallest hoooved animal in existence today and I am in love with it.

I texted my best friend asking to hang out soon and said I’m feeling the post graduation depression and she said she’s gonna make sure I’m feeling better and offered to do a few things this week that I’d also really like to do. I really love her.

All of this just kind of brings me back to why I don’t slip into panic modes about being socially apt when I’m in a relationship. I’m forced to socialize constantly throughout the day and stay in constant connection to my feelings. I have a more rooted presence because of it, and I can see my worth and social aptitude much easier.

My extreme panics like this only ever come from feeling isolated or outsided. In a caring and healthy relationship, I never feel that way. But as soon as I’m not talking to someone constantly and staying connected to my social worth, I’m lost beyond the grasp of reality. I don’t know what’s true and false and I can’t ever talk myself down, it just makes it worse.

Today just wasn’t a good day. I texted a friend nearly first thing in the morning about something he might find funny bc we were playing online together last night. He never responded. I didn’t and never have liked his friend, who he was also playing with last night. His friend just isn’t as nice as him and is that engineering douche wanna be frat boy stereotype. I get a weird feeling like my friend doesn’t actually want to be my friend. Like maybe our friendship was just functional. And then he doesn’t respond. I feel so outsided by it.

Another thing about last night was that I kept inviting weird people I had just met online to the party. I felt like my friend and his friend were annoyed and purposely played by themselves without leaving the chat. And then he didn’t respond. I just feel annoying and socially inept.

When I gamed today I wasn’t doing so hot and I actually got kicked for doing so badly, even though it was a casual match. I was so hurt. I feel so terrible and shitty about it still. I wanted to text my friend about it for support but I couldn’t do it bc of all the above reasons. I can’t text my other friends about it because it’s so stupid to be upset over an online game and a single match that you’re not doing so hot in.

I can’t text my best friend because she’s busy with her masters work. I’ve gotten nothing but one-worded texts from her and general responses and it makes me feel so shitty and alone. Like somethings wrong with me and I did something to make her think less of me. She didn’t seem genuine about congratulating me about graduation, she was very much more interested in her boyfriend and his circle.

I didn’t have any true friends at graduation with me. My gaming friend was there, but he was with his friend. Margaret’s boyfriend was there and his friends. I felt like the weird one. The acquaintance that’s good company but there’s nothing between us type of friend. I felt so alone at graduation.

I don’t want to hang out with people that have been asking to hang out because I don’t want to get know someone right now. I don’t want to explain myself or learn to care about someone right now. I want my friends that I already care about. I feel so stupid and inept and alone. I didn’t think it’d be this way.

I owe my parents money. I need to take over my phone, car insurance, car payment, etc. from my parents. They gave me money for my graduation, and they kind of discouraged me from spending it on hobbies. I think they want me to focus on paying off my loans instead of spending my extra money on new hobbies. I won’t be able to take those payments off their hands until my loans are paid off, and now I just really feel guilty about wanting to get myself a graduation gift with the money I’m getting for graduating.

I’ll be spending half my paychecks on student loans, isn’t that enough?

It’s just terrifying and upsetting to think about how i’ll carry this guilt for the next 5-10 years until my loans are paid off, on top of the depression that I have to get over about doing the same thing over and over again until I retire. That the measly 4-5 hours I get after work each week and the 2 days of recovery time I get on the weekends will be filled with the same thing because I’m too full of guilt to pursue another hobby that costs money.

Everyone keeps asking what I’ll do once I’m done with school! They ask me about the hobbies I’ll pick up, and they tell me about how I’ll feel once I’m finally free! I’m sick of talking about graduation. I’m sick of pulling out the finger guns when, really, I’m irritated with their congratulations. Nothing has changed. I’ll be working more and spending less and I’ll be able to be alone which is what I want to fucking be so leave me the fuck alone.

It’s like, everyone is excited about Christmas because somethings different. You get presents, you spend time with family, you take vacation; things change and you’re grateful and happy for them. I’m happy I’m done with school, but the assumption that people make about being free afterwords is pissing me off. “what are you going to do??” I’m gonna fucking work and be a slave to money. “Are you going to continue working on your car??” No I’m gonna fucking sell it and buy a Toyota Corolla that I’ll drive into the ground for the next 20 years like a financially responsible adult. “What hobbies are you going to take up?” Nothing. I’m going to go back to the hobbies I stopped doing a long time ago so that I don’t have to spend money on new ones. “Are you excited to take time off between graduation and working?” No because student fucking loans and rent don’t work like that. Yeah Zach, Caleb, Joey, etc etc took a month off before starting, congrats! They had their finances together before graduating and probably don’t have tremendous student loans with parents breathing down their necks about it.

So fuck off. I’m not excited about all the things I’m supposed to be excited to do now because I’m not going to be fucking doing them.

Fuck. Off.

Gosh I wish I remembered what the colors and patterns were of the paintings I dreamt of last night. They were magnificent and everything I wanted. It was so tangible too, I could’ve remembered and had them recreated

That just wasn’t how when why or where I wanted that to happen. And my mind is in all different directions.

I’m hurt she was so angry with me. I wasn’t ready to say what I had to say and it wasn’t a perfectly formed thought yet, but I thought I should say something. And maybe that’s why she’s right in being angry at me, for doing this in such an unthought-through and wreckless and poorly timed manner. I’m sad she wasn’t as understanding as I hoped, and that’s still for the above reasons.

I don’t get to talk to my friends about every thought I have because my closest friends are busy with school and finals. I’m upset with myself for not having enough availability of friends to talk through these things before I do them. I kicked myself when she asked if I had talked to my friends about this. I didn’t want it to fester for a week or two. I didn’t know it would turn into this.

I’m sad my main person is gone. I’m sad I don’t get to share all the things that remind me of her with her. I’m sad about losing all the little relationship stuff that I enjoyed so much with her. But that’s what I get for wanting to be alone.

I’m sad I hurt her and I’m angry at myself for doing it how I did it and I’m sad that was how it was left. And I was once told it’s easier to get over someone you’re mad at than someone who made it hard to be upset with. So I know my place is to let her be angry with me. I know my place is to leave her last thought of me stained with anger and bitterness. I just have to accept the guilt for her sake. I just don’t know if that’s true and I hate feeling that way.

I don’t know what to do. But I’m glad she told me to take care of me, no matter if it was cold or not. I should just keep continuing.

partywithponies:

Me, refusing to leave tumblr: sir, this is my emotional support hellsite